THEY SWEAR THEY'LL NEVER DO

THEY SWEAR THEY'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN

Today's advice for new parents: Don't let your kids throw stones at quarter-ton beehives. Later news reports confirmed that these bees were Africanized. Also, they were pissed.


OH, THE MEDIA EVENTS WE'LL ATTEND

FD made his way across town to the 92nd Street Y last night for "KosherFest, presented by Fresh Direct," featuring free tastings of new offerings from leading kosher proprietors. Tip #1 for any members of the media who might attend future KosherFests: Do NOT get between an outerborough grandma and her free knish. FD is still favoring his left side today after a vicious battering from canes, handbags and carts. Tip #2: Wear your wedding ring. Here's an actual snippet of conversation between FD and Jewish Mother:

JM: They have single things here, don't they?
FD: You mean at the tasting?
JM: No, they have things here for singles, right?
FD: Oh, you mean at the Y! Sure, I think so. You can get catalogs in the lobby to find out what's going on.
JM: OK. Because I'm looking for someone for my daughter.
FD: [Seeks a clear path to the knish table; gets a handbag in the ribs.] Ooof.
JM: So, are you single?
FD: No, no, I'm not.
JM: Really? Because you look single . . .
FD: Um, thanks.
We were eventually able to fight our way over to a fine selection of knishes, hummus, and processed meats. But we were deeply offended by the "Cutie," a non-dairy faux-ice cream sandwich Tofutti had the gall to pass off as a "treat" for kosher kids. Elsewhere, Israeli snack giant Osem was handing out samples of Bamba, "the best-selling snack and the strongest children’s brand name in Israel." Bamba is promoted by the mono-toothed Bamba Baby, a character who apparently has a Q rating in Israel equal to that of Walt Disney's characters - even better, Osem's Baby wasn't created by an anti-Semite. Bamba is a crunchy peanut-flavored (and yet somehow tasteless) snack that friends have confirmed is hugely popular in the Holy Land, which we'll just put down as Reason #73 we wouldn't last a month in Israel.

On the other hand, we do have two recommendations for Jews and gentiles alike: First, He'Brew, "The Chosen Beer," particularly in its dark ale version. More than a marketing gimmick, this brew is robust and tasty, and, in a room full of septuagenarians, FD enjoyed unlimited samples. Second, Ruthie and Gussie's Traditional Potato Pancake Batter, which has already received positive reviews from the New York Times and others. The company calls it the first "kvetch proof" latke batter and they'll get no tsuris from us: This frozen batter indeed delivers a delicious pancake.

Coming soon: Our report from the floor of Halalapalooza.


SMALL FELLOW WILL FROM NOW ON BE KNOWN AS "MATT"

There's a new bogus science behind names, and if you follow it when you name your kids, we guarantee that people will find your children sexy, and that you'll never have to go wandering the floor of KosherFest trying to find them a date.


THERE ARE TIMES IT'S OK TO IGNORE THE EXPERTS' GUIDELINES. THIS ISN'T ONE OF THEM.

Popcorn is a real choking hazard for small children, as shown by the tragedy in Queens the other night. We've let Small Fellow share the free popcorn available at our local video store since he was just under 3, and we've never had a problem, but of course that doesn't mean there's not a risk. It might not even be such a bad idea to put warning labels on certain foods highlighting the American Academy of Pediatrics' recommendation to keep certain foods away out of the mouths of kids under 4.

August 18, 2004 | Permalink | Subscribe to RSS

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