NO, NEW YORK TIMES! WE

NO, NEW YORK TIMES! WE TOLD YOU TO STOP SCOLDING US AND WE MEANT IT! NOW GO TO BED!

According to this week's Science Times, depending on which survey you ask, anywhere between 88 and 98 percent of parents yell at their children - at least once in the past year. "Not all children suffer as a result," the TIMES reports, and "researchers are trying to codify the definition of emotional abuse." But researchers have found that "a chronic pattern of psychological mistreatment" can decimate a child's self-esteem, while "yelling can also make parents feel worse." It "overpowers children, it makes them feel frustrated and angry," and -- OK, OK! We'll stop! No more yelling! You've made your point, New York Times! From now on, everyone can pee on the floor, throw their food off the table, and run ahead of us into the crosswalk - with impunity. Because Lord knows we don't want to, what was it? Oh yeah, we don't want to overpower their "sense of self." Thank you for showing us the error of our ways. It won't happen again.


AND YOU JUST KNOW THAT 90% OF THE WITHDRAWLS ARE FOR BOYS TRYING TO BUY INTO A TEXAS HOLD 'EM GAME IN THE BACK OF THE BAND ROOM

While you were busy campaigning for curriculum reform and teacher training, someone snuck ATMs into your kid's high school. Possibly the worst idea since our high school brought in a Mountain Dew machine back in 84, the ATMs seem to be a hit among the junior debit-card set, but critics correctly argue (surprisingly, not until the second-to-last paragraph) that, while the machines might bring some revenue into schools, they also "[detract] from the integrity and moral authority of the school and its ability to educate students." Hey, Principal Skinner, the ATM's out of money. Run down to the bank and get me some twenties!

November 19, 2004 | Permalink | Subscribe to RSS

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