FAT, DRUNK, AND STUPID IS NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE. FORTUNATELY, KIDS TODAY AREN'T DRUNK.

An omnibus review of health and behavior indicators released by the Foundation for Child Development has much good news to report: Young people today are drinking less, abusing drugs less, having fewer babies, and committing fewer crimes

On the other hand, they're not getting any brighter, and they're doing their damnedest to munch years off of their potential life expectancy by gobbling up fatty snacks and sodas.

 

THEY MIGHT BE HEADED FOR GITMO

The new kids' album from They Might Be Giants, "Here Come the ABCs," has entered into the Heavy Rotation Hall of Fame at FD.com headquarters, alongside earlier releases from Dan Zanes, the Funkey Monkeys, and the original London cast of "Bombay Dreams." (Yes, we're eclectic, but you just see if your kids can resist dancing to the chorus of "Shakalaka Baby.")

Small Fellow and Tiny Girl have been dancing the night away to each of the 26 brief tunes on "Here Come the ABCs," from "E Eats Everything" to "Go for G!," "The Vowel Family," and beyond. But their favorite track is "The Alphabet of Nations," a quickie which on the surface appears to be nothing more than a tuneful, alphabetical listing of countries, as follows:

Algeria, Bulgaria, Cambodia, Dominica, Egypt, France, The Gambia

Hungary, Iran, Japan, Kazakhstan, Libya and Mongolia

Norway, Oman, Pakistan Qatar, Russia, Suriname

Turkey, Uruguay, Vietnam

West Xylophone, Yemen, Zimbabwe!

Now, all of us here at the Department of Homeland Security agree that the group known as They Might Be Giants has the right to name any countries they choose in their popular songs. However, their decision to include such "countries of concern" as Cambodia, Iran, and Libya, when more acceptable alternatives such as Cameroon, India, and Latvia were readily available, raises a red flag in our offices. And the members of the group are certainly aware of our President's concerns over West Xylophones attempts to purchase weapons-grade nuclear material on the black market. And so, regrettably, while "The Alphabet of Nations" has a good beat, and we can dance to it, we're going to have to put the band on our department Watch List.

March 30, 2005 | Permalink | Subscribe to RSS

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