HERE AT GORDON GEKKO ELEMENTARY, WE BELIEVE THAT GREED, FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD, IS GOOD. GREED WORKS. AND NOW A FEW WORDS FROM OUR GOOD FRIENDS AT QUAKER OATS.

It is an obvious truth which no one likes to admit: Advertising works. And anyone with toddlers or preschoolers has had an oh-my-God moment in which their three-year-old screamed about wanting to go to eat at Chuck E. Cheese (thanks, PBS) or at "Old McDonald's." We're amazed at the product loyalty inspired in Small Fellow by his Holiday 2004 Hess truck and twin motorcycles (which, we confess, are actually great toys). Every time we drive up the West Side Highway into New Jersey, he lustily cheers every appearance of the familiar "Hess" sign, and asks, "Can we go to that gas station building?"

In today's LA Times, David Shaw looks at the undeniable efficacy of junk-food advertising for kids, compellingly placing the comments of junk-foods merchants side-by-side with their hypocritical peers in the cigarette trade, and persuading that, if nothing else, for a mom or dad to ignore the power of ads is tantamount to parenting with one hand tied behind your back.

"I TELL YOU, MY SCHOOL WAS TOUGH. REALLY TOUGH."
"HOW - TOUGH - WAS IT??"
"I'LL TELL YOU, WHEN YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG, THEY MADE YOUR MOTHER SPANK YOU!!"

Hey! Schaumburg, Illinois! What the Hell is going on there? You've got a school that suspends a six-year-old boy because his mother refused to spank him in public for your sadistic titillation? What happens on the second offense, the boy has to fight lions in the Colosseum?

(via fark.com)

I WILL NOT EAT IT IN HOT SAUCE.
I WILL NOT BECAUSE IT TASTES LIKE MOSS.
I WILL NOT EAT TOFU ON TOAST.
WHY CAN'T I JUST PLEASE EAT A ROAST?

Today's Killjoy Research Study is brought to you by the scientific journal Pediatrics:

Children who drink more milk do not necessarily develop healthier bones, researchers said Monday in a report that stresses exercise and modest consumption of calcium-rich foods such as tofu . . . . [T]he report, published in the journal Pediatrics, said boosting consumption of milk or other dairy products was not necessarily the best way to provide the minimal calcium intake of at least 400 milligrams per day. Other ways to obtain the absorbable calcium found in one cup of cow’s milk include a cup of fortified orange juice, a cup of cooked kale or turnip greens, two packages of instant oats, two-thirds cup of tofu, or 1-2/3 cups of broccoli. . . .

You know what, we're happy to go along with the recommendation to exercise more to build strong bones instead of relying on milk, even low-fat milk, to do it for us. But OJ is full of calories, tofu isn't even food, and KALE?! Yeah, that'll work. We all know about the long love affair between America's children and KALE. . . .

March 7, 2005 | Permalink | Subscribe to RSS

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