NOW IF ONLY A MANUFACTURER CAN HARNESS THIS TECHNOLOGY TO CREATE A BEAM OF SOUND THAT WILL PLAY THE WIGGLES FOR TINY GIRL IN A SMALL SPACE WHERE NO ONE ELSE CAN HEAR IT.

The $500,000 Lemelson-MIT Prize for invention has gone to Elwood "Woody" Norris for his innovations in "HyperSonic Sound":

To cut down on human-made sound straying beyond its intended audience, Norris developed a way to create a focused beam of sound waves, sort of like focusing a beam of light. As these high-frequency sound waves pass through the air, they generate lower-frequency sounds that people can hear. By stepping into the "beam," a person can hear sound that someone standing a foot or more away can't detect. "It's going to quiet everything down," Norris said. "If you don't want to be bothered by it, you step to one side and you don't hear it."

Yeah, we're definitely going to need a commercial application within the month.

IT'S LIKE STEALING WATER FROM UNDERPRIVILEGED KIDS -- NO, REALLY

West Virginia vandals drained the lake at a Salvation Army camp "where hundreds of underprivileged children go canoeing and fishing every summer." Which leads us to ask -- Just what kind of moonshine does one need to be swilling to hatch this plan?

HEY, TOMMY! I'LL TRADE YOU MY BORSCHT FOR YOUR TSIMMES!

Our favorite Web site of the week has got to be Kosher Today, "The Official Weekly Update of the Kosher Food Industry." For one thing, the site has a sense of humor (this week, it points out that the small print on the Whole Foods Market "Passover Menu" circular reads, "'None of the items above are Kosher for Passover"). It also offers cutting-edge news you can use, such as this report that, sloppy joes be damned, "Kosher School Lunches May be Wave of the Future" (at least in Minnesota):

Minnesota is considering including kosher meals in its state-funded school breakfasts and lunches. A state Senate committee approved a bill last week setting up a two-year pilot program that would set aside $60,000 for extra funds for kosher and halal meals at public, private or charter schools where at least 20 percent of the student body requires specialty meals.

A school meal costs on average $2.15; kosher and halal meals run closer to $3.

Which inspires the program's slogan: Kosher meals so good, your kids will pay retail!

THE EXPERTS WENT ON TO SAY, "IT COULDN'T HURT"

Our friends at Kosher Today also blow the lid off chicken soup, defending the broth from attacks by health-conscious infidels:

... experts have rushed to the defense of chicken soup, which has often been referred to as “Jewish penicillin” after a report claimed chickens contain nearly three times as much fat as 35 years ago .... But Jackie Lipowicz, Chairman of the Licensed Kosher Meat Traders Association, defended the Friday night favorite – pointing out that kosher boiler fowls used to make soup bear little in common with the vacuum-packed supermarket birds. Nutrition Scientist Rebecca Foster, of the British Nutrition Foundation, told Jewish News: “Chicken soup can be a good low fat meal, providing essential nutrients such as protein. When vegetables are added it can also provide fibre, vitamins and minerals which are essential for good health, and when eaten in sufficient quantities have been found to help reduce the risk of long term chronic diseases.”

Dr. Foster went on to say, "What, you're going to break your poor mother's heart because some goyisha scientist who doesn't know what from what says you're going to get fat? You NEED to put some meat on those bones! Look at you, you're so skinny from all that exercise. You run and you run and you run, around and around and around. What are you running from? Sit down and eat your soup!"

LADIES, YOU THINK YOU BREASTFED TOO LONG?

My gal Namita has been suckling her pet monkey for 5 years. Top that! (Photo not really safe for work, or for not ruining your appetite.) (via fark.com)

April 18, 2005 | Permalink | Subscribe to RSS

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