IF DEEP BREATHS OF MORE THAN FOUR HOURS OCCUR, PLEASE SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION  IMMEDIATELY

Viagra may be able to help children with a rare and fatal lung disease. Does it amaze anyone else that scientists discovered a wonder drug that so successfully improved blood flow in the body, with apparent applications for a number of conditions, and the first thing they thought to do with it was help the old folks with the nookie?

FD.COM COMMENCEMENT SEASON QUOTE OF THE YEAR, CLASS OF 2005

Every year at graduation time, we read about some school somewhere denying a diploma to someone who violated the commencement ceremony dress code in some harmless way. This year's incident comes to us from suburban D.C., where a Native American student is still waiting to graduate after being caught wearing a bolo tie under his gown. They boy claims the tie represents his culture. Responding to the controversy, the school district's trained spokeswoman delivered this gem:

The bolo "was not considered by staff to be a tie," said Katie O'Malley-Simpson, a spokeswoman for Charles County schools. "We have many opportunities throughout the year to express cultural heritage. But we don't do that at graduation."

THE PROPOSED BAN ON SPANKING, PINCHING, AND HOT SAUCING WOULD ALSO JEOPARDIZE THE PREMIERE OF "MR. AND MRS. SMITH" IN BOSTON CINEMAS

The commonwealth of Massachusetts will soon take up a bill to ban parents from administering a variety of forms of corporal punishment, including the controversial practice of "hot saucing." The threat posed by the legislation has led former "Facts of Life" star Lisa Whelchel to cross Boston off her summer vacation list.

HEY, KIDS, RONALD SAYS GET UP OFF THAT COUCH AND COME SNOWBAORDING! AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE, WHY NOT ENJOY A BIG MAC AND A SHAKE?

In a move akin to Warren Beatty becoming a spokesman for abstinence, McDonald's spokesclown Ronald McDonald has taken on a new role - encouraging kids to get more exercise and enjoy a balanced diet. In new commercials, Ronald skateboards with his pal, Yao Ming, and snowboards down a fruit-covered mountain. (Ronald's morbidly obese pal, Grimace, whose bulk led to circulation problems which years ago turned his skin purple, is nowhere to be seen in the new ads, and could not be reached for comment.)

Grimace2

Nick Hahn, managing director of New York-based marketing consulting firm Vivaldi Partners, employed radical understatement in addressing the credibility gap the food chain's new campaign must overcome:

"In the case of McDonald's, I wouldn't say that what would immediately come to mind is exercise," Hahn said. "The question is ... what will allow them to move into that space and have consumers find that credible .... I think that it would be a challenge."

NOW IF ONLY HE'D STOP PRONOUNCING PAWNS AS "PONES"

Small Fellow has taken a liking to the grand game of chess, which we have added to the growing list of contests he does not like to lose. After Fellow's first season of classes, his teacher recommended that we pick up the book, Simple Checkmates, to help him recognize checkmates and to keep his mind sharp.

We have "Simple Checkmates" in hand now, and are happy to report that for any parent who (like us) hasn't played much chess in the last 15 or so years, but wants to help their child learn the game, this book will help you get  your instincts back quickly.

June 9, 2005 | Permalink | Subscribe to RSS

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