HE HAS ONLY ONE SPEED. IT'S, UM, INTESTINES OUT

He's 54 now, but kid health educator and "Captain Kangaroo" veteran Slim Goodbody still fits in the bodysuit and still entertains kids and creeps out adults nationwide. For no apparent reason, MSNBC has updated us on Slim's whereabouts.

LORD, SAVE US FROM THESE GIANT BABIES WHO WILL SURELY DESTROY US WITH THEIR SUPER STRENGTH

Just weeks after a Wisconsin woman gave birth to a 13-pound, 12-ounce girl, a Kentucky mom produced a 14-pound, 3-ounce daughter. She immediately announced plans for a yard sale to sell all the baby clothes and bedding she received at her shower.

AMONG THE OTHER ERRORS IN THE NICKELODEON REPORT: THE MEXICANS DID NOT IN FACT ATTACK THE ALAMO WITH GREEN SLIME

Alamo partisans are attacking Nickelodeon for one of its 50-second "My Back Yard" shorts, which claimed that the battle of the Alamo was fought so "white farmers could keep their slaves." Historians who consulted on the project had advised Nickelodeon that although slavery was one issue that led to the Alamo siege, it would be simplistic and reductionist to describe it as the primary reason. To which the  producers apparently responded, "Simplistic and reductionist? You think that's a problem?! Have you ever WATCHED our network?"

YET ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND

Military recruiters are running into stiff resistance from parents when they come calling at public schools to encourage teens to enlist. Lucky for them, the surprisingly versatile No Child Left Behind Act mandates their access by law:

As recently as 2000, said one former recruiter in California, it was necessary to dig through the trash at high schools and colleges to find students' names and phone numbers. But No Child Left Behind mandates that school districts can receive federal funds only if they grant military recruiters "the same access to secondary school students" as is provided to colleges and employers.

So although the Garfield [parents association] voted last month to ban military recruiters from the school and its 1,600 students, the Seattle school district could not sign on to the idea without losing at least $15 million in federal education funds.

Still, even with their protected access, recruiters have a hard time overcoming the pernicious influence of free-thinking parents:

In an interview last month, Maj. Gen. Michael D. Rochelle, commander of Army recruiting, said parental resistance could put the all-volunteer force in jeopardy. When parents and other influential adults dissuade young people from enlisting, he said, "it begs the question of what our national staying power might be for what certainly appears to be a long fight."

But if recruiters can't attract a volunteer force large enough to fight all the countries that look at the president the wrong way, how will the military fill out its ranks?

[Answer below.]

THERE MUST BE A DRAFT HERE SOMEWHERE, BECAUSE THIS REPORT IS CHILLING

Are you like us? Were you shocked to read in that last item that military recruiters once had to resort to picking through the trash at schools and colleges to find the names and addresses of local teens? Turns out, that's not a problem anymore:

The Defense Department and a private contractor have been building an extensive database of 30 million 16-to-25-year-olds, combining names with Social Security numbers, grade-point averages, e-mail addresses and phone numbers.

That's right, the database includes GPAs. Anyone want to hazard a guess as to which end of the class rank gets called on first?

Even though the Pentagon started assembling this database in 2002, but didn't get around to telling anyone about it until last month - in apparent violation of the federal Privacy Act, "which requires that government agencies accept public comment before new records systems are created" - Undersecretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness David S. C. Chu says to wipe that smirk off your face:

"Congress wants to ensure the success of the volunteer force," he said at a reporters' roundtable in Washington. "Congress does not want conscription, the country does not want conscription. If we don't want conscription, you have to give the Department of Defense, the military services, an avenue to contact young people to tell them what is being offered. It would be naive to believe that in any enterprise, that you are going to do well just by waiting for people to call you."

THE SHOTS CAN'T PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN FROM DAVID S.C. CHU, BUT MENINGITIS IS A START

Public service announcement:

Children who are 11 to 12, students entering high school and college freshmen headed for dorm life should [get the new meningitis shot], federal health officials and the American Academy of Pediatrics announced Thursday. Although meningococcal meningitis affects only about 3,000 people nationwide each year, it kills one-fifth of adolescents who get it.

The new vaccine was approved in January, and one shot covers a child for 10 years. Are you on the fence? Dr. Carol J. Baker, an infectious disease specialist at Baylor College of Medicine in Texas, offers all the motivation you'll need:

"This is a very bad disease ... It’s very rapidly progressive in adolescence. You can have an adolescent in a shopping mall at 2 in the afternoon, in the emergency room at 6 in the evening, and death by midnight."

"MY NAME IS PAPA SMURF. I'M THE PRESIDENT OF UNITED SMURFS LOCAL 35, AND WE ARE SHUTTING THIS WORK SITE DOWN. GARGAMEL IS GOING TO HAVE TO BUILD HIS HIGH-RISE SOMEWHERE ELSE."

Are you thinking that America has gone insane? That the president and his cadre are setting the country back 100 years? That you and your family should consider moving moving to one of the supremely same countries of northern Europe? Like, say, Iceland?

Think again. A recent survey finds that a majority of Icelanders not only believe in elves, they believe they’re as close as next door, and that when they put their supernatural minds together, they can stymie the loftiest plans of mortals:

After two different bulldozers repeatedly and inexplicably malfunctioned, and local television cameras failed when trained on the hill, though they worked elsewhere, the crew halted the project. "We're going to see whether we can't reach an understanding with the elves," Jon Ingi, the project supervisor, told Morgunbladid, a Reykjavik newspaper, at the time. Local elf communicators were called in to arbitrate, and after a while, work resumed.

July 14, 2005 | Permalink | Subscribe to RSS

Comments

who is david sc chu?

Posted by: Lynn | Jul 20, 2005 2:15:56 PM

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