THE NAME OF THE RIDE HAS BEEN CHANGED FROM CALIFORNIA SCREAMIN' TO CALIFORNIA POOPIN' IN YOUR PANTS

A tough summer for Disney theme parks continued as one train rear-ended another on the "California Screamin"’ roller coaster at the company's California Adventure theme park last week, injuring 15. It's just one of several fatal and near-fatal ride incidents on the Mouse's ledger this season. And literally adding insult to injury, the Times travel section last week bashed the service at Disney's Florida resorts:

... we were experiencing little of the celebrated Disney ''magic,'' that bend-over-backward brand of service. Instead, our family vacation was turning into a part-nightmarish, part-comical adventure that I quickly took to describing as Disney meets ''Fawlty Towers'' meets the ''Twilight Zone.''

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT WONDER BREAD

Because it's easier to spend millions of dollars developing an entirely new grain than to convince American families that they should eat whole-grain bread instead of mushy white, ConAgra has unveiled Ultragrain White Whole Wheat, which Sara Lee is using to make a 30%-whole-grain bread that imitates the look and texture of white.

While nutritionists debate the merits of Ultragrain, products made with it are already coming to cafeterias in 2,600 school districts. Tammy Yarmon, director of nutrition services for Omaha Public Schools, says:

One of our main goals is the education of our students for better nutrition. So we will use some education with this pizza to let them know it does have more fiber than regular pizza crust.

Which has inspired a new slogan for the Omaha public schools: Come for the pizza, stay for the education.

BEISBOL, SI! DISCRIMINATION, NO!

A Little League umpire in Massachusetts has been banned by his league after he ordered players to stop speaking Spanish on the field. The umpire was apparently concerned that the teammates and their coach might be using Spanish to communicate secretly .... kind of like how players are coaches use hand signals. The offending team was leading 3-1 at the time of the umpire's ruling, but went on to lose, 10-6, leading the coach to insist, "We would have won if not for that filthy cabron!"

REASON #79 WE'RE NOT MOVING TO MISSISSIPPI

Anyone who thought there was nowhere left in America where public-school students could have their rumps paddled, welcome to Mississippi, the Magnolia State. To be fair, 22 other states also allow corporal punishment in their schools. But non-parental physical abuse may not be as welcome anywhere else.

The U.S. Department of Education ranks Mississippi as the nation's top paddling state with nearly 10 percent of public school students paddled every year. In poorer parts of the state, where more children are from minority and single-parent families, corporal punishment is even more common ...

Supporters contend that it sustains orderly and disciplined schools, which represent a child's best hope for social and academic advancement.

Hold on a second - we've got to check our class notes. We thought we had heard that good teachers and a lively curriculum represented a child's best hope for social and academic advancement, but in our defense, our rear end was really smarting from a paddling that day, and we were feeling so bitter and resentful about it that we couldn't really pay attention.

August 9, 2005 | Permalink | Subscribe to RSS

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