IF IT'S NOT TOO LATE, WE AT FD.COM WOULD LIKE TO FILE AN AMICUS BRIEF IN SUPPORT OF MAINTAINING CURRENT BRITISH LAW, BECAUSE THE ALTERNATIVE JUST FREAKS US OUT

A European human-rights court has ruled that British law must be changed to allow mothers and fathers-in-law to marry their sons and daughters-in-law, as a 58-year-old has done with his 37-year-old daughter-in-law. (She had been abandoned by his son.) The woman's son is now both the man's grandson and stepson. From where we're sitting, the only cool thing about this story is that the official who must render the change in British law is (no joke) the Lord Chancellor Lord Falconer. He plans to get right on that, after his epic duel with The Highlander.

AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT HAVEN'T BEEN IN VOGUE SINCE THE BIBLE . . .

Meet Crystal and Matthew Koso. He's 22, she's 14, they're married, their daughter is a week old, and the state of Nebraska wants to put him away for statutory rape. "We don't want grown men having sex with young girls," said state attorney general Jon Bruning. But the couple, and Matthew's parents, say the state has no right intruding on their bliss. The proud grandmother says, "He's not always lived up to his responsibilities, but this time he will . . . He could have left, but he didn't." And in fact the New York Times found the new dad diligently changing Samara's diapers (she's named after a character in the horror movie The Ring which, of course, her mom isn't old enough to see) while his young bride completed her ninth-grade world history homework.

Kidding aside, we're not sure why the state is seeking to put Matthew away for up to 50 years. As experts indicated in the article, "it is extremely rare for a man to be prosecuted for statutory rape when he has married his minor partner." And that sounds about right.


STUDENTS WILL ALSO BE ALLOWED THREE "BLOOMING"s, FOUR "BLOODY"s, AND ONE "BOLLOCKS" PER WEEK

Students in one British middle school are being allowed to use "the F word" up to five times per lesson this fall. Barmy headmaster Alan Large extracted his head from his arse for a moment to tell the Daily Mail, "The reality is that the f-word is part of these young adults' everyday language." And in a letter to parents, assistant headmaster and silly git Richard White wrote:

"Within each lesson the teacher will initially tolerate (although not condone) the use of the f-word (or derivatives) five times and these will be tallied on the board so all students can see the running score .... Over this number the class will be spoken to by the teacher at the end of the lesson."

The school will also send "praise postcards" to the parents of children who do not swear in class. They may also send home bumper stickers reading, "My ankle-biter didn't swear at Weavers School."

INSERT YOUR "PRESIDENT BUSH MEETS THE WORLD'S LONGEST LETTER" JOKE HERE

Later this month, the President will in fact receive a half-mile letter penned jointly by 4,000 schoolchildren from across the country. Which is neither here nor there, but when you look at the picture on the link, it strikes you that, since Sept. 11, and especially since the release of "Fahrenheit 9/11," for likely the first time in our history we have a President who cannot tastefully take part in a photo op in a public school classroom. Which is really quite a thing.


"LOVE MAKES LITTLE THINGS GROW," INDEED!

Has anyone else out there ever wondered if the theme song and opening montage of "Clifford's Puppy Days" makes preschool-age dog owners feel inadequate, as it rhapsodizes how Emily Elizabeth's profound love for little Clifford causes him to swell to gigantic proportions? Has anyone's daughter come crying to them, bleating, "Daddy, I love Snuffles as much as Emily Elizabeth loves Clifford! But he's not getting any bigger! Daddy, is my love bad?"

And, while you're up, if Emily Elizabeth loves Clifford so damn much, how come she only plays with him for, like, two minutes in every half-hour episode?

AND NOW A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM FREELANCEDAD.COM

Moms, has this ever happened to you? You put a roast chicken in the oven, and then hours later realize that you've misplaced the magnet which opens your Tot-Lok? Well, it turns out the little devils have a strong attraction to cast iron and so, yes, sometimes they might accidentally latch on to your cookware and get roasted themselves! But fear not: Although your opener may emerge from the oven misshapen and badly discolored, it will still open your Tot-Lock! And just how do we know? Never you mind about that . . .

SURE, IT WOULD BE NICE, BUT IT'S AN AWFUL HIGH PRICE TO PAY TO GET FELLOW TO START LOOKING US IN THE EYE

Slate reviews the Army's latest recruitment campaign, which targets parents and features this spot:

An old guy and a young guy (the young one is wearing a military uniform) stand side by side on a porch. "You're a changed man," says the old guy. "How's that?" asks the kid. "When you got off that train back there you did two things you've never done before—at least not at the same time. You shook my hand and you looked me square in the eye. Where'd that come from?" We cut to the U.S. Army logo. Then we cut again, this time to a slogan printed on the screen: "Help Them Find Their Strength."


GROWING UP, WE WALKED TO KINDERGARTEN BY OURSELVES. TODAY, WE REGULARLY RIDICULE PARENTS WHO SAY THEY WON'T LET THEIR KIDS OUTSIDE THE HOUSE BY THEMSELVES UNTIL THEY'RE 12. STILL, WE WOULDN'T DO THIS.

Six year-old Japanese youngsters regularly board Tokyo's subway system by themselves for 90-minute journeys to get to school. This mom details the litany of fears that led her to give it up.

September 15, 2005 | Permalink | Subscribe to RSS

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