Produced by Gary Drevitch
"TODAY MY SENATOR GAVE ME A LIBERAL HELPING OF SNAUSAGES, THEN HE WENT OUT AT 10 PM FOR A 'COMMITTEE HEARING,' AND TOLD ME NOT TO WAIT UP"
Ted Kennedy is unleashing a children's book on unsuspecting audiences this May. My Senator and Me: A Dogs-Eye View of Washington, D.C. will be just the latest entry in the undying genre of pets-eye views of the District. Can Splash outsell Socks or Millie? Well, with promotional copy like this, how can he not?:
"I am very excited about the opportunity to create a book for young readers and their families that will deepen their understanding of how our American government works," Kennedy said.
SO, IF TEENS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MORE ALERT AT NIGHT, WHAT'S THE EXCUSE FOR THE LOUSY SERVICE WE GET AT THE POPCORN STAND AT THE CINEPLEX?
The Washington Post catches up to the news that teens are biologically wired to be sleepy in the morning and alert late at night. Fortunately, the same scientists and school administrators quoted in the articles we read (and, for that matter, wrote) on this exact subject six years ago are still available today to make their case for later school start times.
What is troubling to us about the later school start-time trend, though, is that most districts that make the shift tend to have teenagers start school later but continue to have younger elementary-school kids come in early. And yet we can't get Fellow out the door by 8:15 for kindergarten now as it is. Will we have to invest in a taser by the time he turns eight?
NOW, THIS IS A SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING THAT WILL GET SOME ATTENTION
Moms who smoke are far more likely to give birth to children with extra, webbed, or missing fingers. So our message to smoking pregnant ladies is that we support your brave decision to give up cigarettes while you're expecting . . . Oh, but one more thing, while you're up? Don't use the nicotine patch. That'll hurt the baby, too.
NOT THAT IT'S GOING TO WIN US ANY NEW READERS, BUT WE'RE STARTING TO THINK ABOUT GOING WITH THE MOHELS ON THIS ONE
Meanwhile, back in the most cosmopolitan city in America, the newly re-elected mayor is renewing his campaign against the metzitzah b'peh.
BUT HOW DO YOU EXPECT US TO "PRODUCE A SAMPLE"? WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT SINCE WE WERE, UM, 15
Genosis, a British fertility tech concern, has released "the world's first over-the-counter home fertility test for couples." At $140 per one-time test, it's no bargain, but it does offer "male users a 95 percent accurate indication of their ability to help conceive a child within one hour."
"All the man has to do is produce a sample, push a button and twist a switch and he will be able to assess that he has enough sperm that can swim to fertilise an egg," said University of Birmingham professor Chris Barratt.
Other fertility assessment kits on the market are only able to test women, which makes the "Fertell" kit a likely best-seller for the Boots pharmacy chain in the UK. Expect it on American shelves by the fall.
WE'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT "GUESS WHAT ELMO IS THINKING ABOUT TODAY!" WOULD BE A GREAT HORROR-VILLAIN CATCH PHRASE
The new interactive book, "Potty Time With Elmo," is supposed to feature Elmo saying encouraging things to potty-training kids when they press a button. But one button has been delivering a less reassuring message: "Who wants to die?"
[Unsurprisingly, the book seems to have been removed from Amazon.]
SMALL FELLOW ALSO KNOWS HOW TO DIAL THE POLICE IN AN EMERGENCY. WE KNOW THAT BECAUSE SOMETIMES WHEN WE DON'T GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS, HE SAYS HE'S GOING TO CALL 911 ON US
A four-year-old Utah girl saved her mother's life by dialing 911. In other news, her cat probably could have done it just as well. (Which reminds us: Everyone has trained their preschoolers to tell the police their full address if it ever comes up, right?)