THANKS FOR THE UPDATE, NAIR

14adco_new190According to hair-removal giant Nair, which is now making an all-out marketing assault on tweens with leg twine, Tiny Girl could begin shaving her legs inside of five years (and, we presume, cease talking to us altogether). Also, if she's anything like the role models in Nair's new ads for the target audience (see left), she'll also apparently be some sort of underage exotic dancer.

Also: Really, Stacey Feldman, vice president for marketing at the women’s health and personal care division of the Church & Dwight Company? “When a girl removes hair for the first time, it’s a life-changing moment”? Really? Because, we're not a girl or anything ourselves, but we can think of some others. . .

SORRY, WE TOTALLY MISREAD THIS AOL NEWS HEADLINE

Hardeesflat"Teacher Expelled From 'Flat Buns' Ad" does not, as we initially assumed, refer to an overweight teacher who was rejected from an audition for a fitness center commercial and is now suing. No, it's much worse: Carl's Jr., the fast-food chain that once tried to sell you burgers via the medium of Paris Hilton washing a car foisted on an unsuspecting public a new ad, for its new "Flat Buns" sandwich (served between a pair of hamburger bun bottoms) featuring, inexplicably, an underage schoolteacher gyrating on her desk in front of a class full of suburban wannabe gangsta rappers. Shockingly, some educators took offense when they saw the spot:

"It is unbelievably demeaning to every [teacher] to promote a television advertisement showing a young teacher gyrating on top of her desk while boys in the class rap about her body in order to sell hamburgers!" Tennessee Education Association president Earl Wiman said. . .

All true. In Carl Jr's defense, however, it did work for Van Halen. . .

AND WE REALLY, REALLY MISREAD THIS WALL STREET JOURNAL HEADLINE

New Rules
  For Picking
  A Bottom?

This article was not at all what we thought it was going to be. It's not even a lifestyle article—it's something about picking stocks.

MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE LEGITIMATE FAST-FOOD WORLD

Sometime in 2008, Burger King will unveil a new, healthier Kids Meal featuring flame-broiled chicken tenders (with less fat than the regular, fried tenders) and french-fry-shaped apple slices instead of actual french fries. (The "Apple Fries" have 35 calories; a kid's order of original-recipe fries has 230 calories and 13 grams of fat.)

"It's a good trend," New York City dietitian Miriam Pappo told the AP before deadpanning, "The actual ultimate solution is still to eat less fast food."

As for Freelance Dad, we give it six months.

GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES!  NO, NOT YOU, AMERICAN PIG DOGS!

13russia600Should you be making a baby right now? Absolutely, if you live in the central Russian province of Ulyanovsk, which on September 13 celebrated a regional Day of Conception, encouraging employers to give workers the day off to impregnate their wives, and offering a fabulous prize, rumored to be a new home, to any woman who gives birth exactly nine months after the official get-it-on date. Slate explored various government methods for encouraging citizens to get their funk on last wee. It also ran a piece piece by Daniel Engber asking if American couples shouldn't maybe stop having children as soon as they have one.

The case, on paper, is strong: We would greatly reduce humanity's carbon footprint by helping the planet's population dwindle to about 1.6 billion people, and we could do it over five generations:

We're obsessed with our green lifestyles—eating local, driving hybrids, paying off our excess carbon-dioxide emissions. From that perspective, voluntary familial extinction . . . might not be such a bad idea. If you want to reduce your carbon footprint, cutting back on kids is the best choice you can possibly make . . . .  

Our other green lifestyle choices can't even begin to offset the cost of adding a brand-new CO2-emitter to the population. . . . I'd have to do quite a bit of driving around in a Hummer H3 to mimic the environmental impact of creating another version of me. Not to mention the fact that my children might eventually decide to have their own children, who would emit even more carbon dioxide down the line . . . .

Fair enough. Still, we're not so sure Americans should be acting unilaterally on this. All the other countries in the world ought to sign binding agreements to stop doing the unprotected deed as well, maybe pledging to send any excess children floating down the Sea of Reeds or some such.

YOU SEE, BUT HERE'S THE REAL PROBLEM WITH HAVING THREE LITTLE CO2-EMITTERS AROUND THE HOUSE: THEY SEE THIS COMMERCIAL AND THEN DEMAND THAT YOU BUY THEM AN SUV

Volvo enlisted hipster band the Magnetic Fields to record a new version of "The Wheels on the Bus," praising its new XC70, for a new commercial now in heavy rotation on basic cable. ("The hill-descent control goes nice and slow," etc.)

We should not have to note, but will do so for the record, that we have now decided never to buy a Volvo.

         ** CORRECTION: OK, OK, so it's a Crossover, not an SUV. Still shouldn't oughtta be using that song . . .

September 17, 2007 | Permalink | Subscribe to RSS

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